New Start!

Wow, I can't believe I haven't blogged here for almost 3 months.

Well, Updates.

Yesterday I reached a major turning point in my life - I passed the Practical driving test!
I am now a fully licensed driver.

My closest friends and family will realise how much this means to me and how it will affect my life.

Words cannot describe how excited I am and happy that I have passed.

Although the words Exhilarated, Excited, Ecstatic, Overjoyed and well, shocked all cover it in small amounts.
All day yesterday (from 4.30am onwards) I was so nervous, my whole being felt like it had been put through a washing machine and put through a mangle! I had a long wait too - my test was a later one - 3.30pm.

I got through it, despite the extreme nerves and worry with just 5 minors (1 was attributed to the 'Show me, Tell me' questions, which I totally stuffed up - your mind goes blank when you are nervous. So, really - it was just 4 minors for road issues. Brilliant.

I even had to do an emergency stop at the beginning of the test too (it was my 3rd test - after 2 previous fails and I never had to do one for the other 2 tests!)...which sent my nerves into overdrive!

I am so glad it is all over though, it's not a test I would ever want to take again. It's so stressful, but very worthwhile. It's the biggest achievement of my life.

Anyway, that's the 'Oscars' speech over. LOL

I will be glad when I have my own car...I can do some serious shopping then...Don't think I haven't forgotten about shopping...never!

A Busy Weekend

I feel like I haven't stopped to focus this weekend - and that is a good thing!

I had another driving lesson yesterday (Saturday) morning - it didn't go as well as previous ones, I made a few errors - but not life threatening or dangerous ones, so i'm not overly worried. However, my driving instructor recommended an extra lesson before my test to put them right, so I have another lesson Tuesday morning. This is the last proper lesson before my test - so now I am getting really anxious.
I keep going over driving in my mind, hoping and praying I get it all correct.

To distract myself, I have been trying to keep as busy as I can - yesterday, when I got home I listed over 100 things on eBay!! Not much sold really though, so that is disappointing that I will need to re-list. On the plus side, it was a free listing day, so I didn't lose the money in fees, so what did sell was a bonus.

Today, as soon as my Mum goes out, I need to get cracking on making her Birthday cake - I'm going to do my speciality - Chocolate fudge cake with vanilla and white chocolate centre. Everyone seems to enjoy that.

I haven't been shopping at all - I am trying to save my Money for a Car now and seem to be doing quite well with that, whatever I sell on eBay is going towards the car. Every time I feel the urge to shop, I think about how I could get a car and that it will give me back the freedom and independence I have craved for so long and shopping is cancelled! Finally, I am finding a better purpose for NOT going shopping. We shall see how it all goes...for now though, I am just trying not to anticipate the Practical driving test so much and relax and enjoy the driving experience.

Lucky Break

The last week has been incredibly lucky for me.

I don't know why - and I don't really want to question it too much either, incase it breaks it. It could be my horoscope, the stars have aligned or could be a cosmic balance - Who knows? But I am taking full advantage of it.

I had a wonderful double (2 hours) driving lesson today with my amazing driving instructor, Ray. 

He is so patient with me, I practised the 3-point turn, Parallel Parking and Reversing round the corner 4 times on each one, and each time he praised me for a job well done - so much so, I feel I am ready for my practical test. 

I have booked my practical test now, and it is very, very soon - I don't want to jinx it by telling anyone what day it is - so I will just announce it here when I pass - and I am determined to pass, I am on a mission to pass.

Today, I drove very well...approximately 30 miles in total, all through the busy town centres, through a gorgeous little village and through all of the narrow, tiny country lanes - perfect! Only made a couple of minor errors, but nothing to fail on.

I have another lesson on Saturday morning - this one will be 1hr 30mins long - this is just to boost my confidence a bit more, which I am happy to do. The more experience I have before my test, the better, this way I will be as confident as possible for my test - you can never get too much driving experience!

I am very much looking forward to this - I enjoy driving tremendously. 

After my lesson, I finished at the shops and treated myself to a £2 scratchcard - I won £40!! So that will pay for Saturday's driving lesson! Amazing! Long may my luck continue...

Watch this space for the Practical test results...

A Break in Posting...

I took a little break from blogging (not shopping though!).

It has given me much needed time to sort a few things out.

Hospital - I was continually messed around regarding the Synacthen test I need, they cancelled 4 times. So hopefully, now after seeing my GP, it is sorted for next week. Usually when you involve a Third party, things seem to miraculously become more solid. So here is hoping it isn't cancelled again.

Clothing and Accessories - We hired a Skip this week to have a massive clear out - Success!! I managed to dispose of 20 bags full of old clothing and bits and pieces that will never be used again, so that has cleared an enormous space (a whole room, in fact!) - we now have our dining room back. Result!
I have also been gradually going through my new clothing, trying things on and am selling a fair few things on eBay, which will help with my next goal.

Driving - A Major, major breakthrough! I successfully passed my Driving Theory Test yesterday (Yes, on the dreaded FRIDAY 13th!!). I feel like my Nan's and Aunt was with me in spirit and helped me pass the test. I am so pleased about this. I feel this is a major turning point in getting my life back on track (pardon the pun!). I finally feel like life is on the uppers. Things can only get better!
So, I aim to sell as much as I possibly can in order to raise money to buy a Car! (If anyone wishes to donate, I honestly do not mind :-D).

My next goal: To pass my practical driving lesson - to which I am well on my way to doing. Over the last 9 years, I must have had at least 30-40 lessons, which is helping me lots now and so is my wonderful driving instructor, Ray, he is a godsend. So friendly and patient with me (he would have to be, what with intermittent lessons over the last 9 years - but he is wonderfully understanding about this). He said I was driving beautifully and should be ready for my test shortly. I just need to master reversing around a corner and a little more practice on Parallel parking - easy! I absolutely love driving and cannot wait to do it with a proper full licence. I can already feel a new found freedom beginning.

One goal at a time, once I pass my practical driving test - then I will concentrate on getting a car, but it doesn't hurt to start saving for it now, only I won't start looking for one until after I have passed.

I am definitely willing to cut back on my shopping trips to be able to get a car, and yesterday I started to - I only bought a few things (to celebrate passing my Theory test!). I bought a few tops, couple of pairs of trousers, pair of shorts and some jewellery. I also bought my Mum a birthday present. I think I spent around £130 in total, but that was including fares, a phone top up and a cheeky Mcdonalds :-)

Minimalistic Look

A few months ago I decided to clear out as much things as possible to go for a Minimalistic look.
The purpose of this goal was to create better organisation to my life and not to be so cluttered up with things I never use.
This goal has not been reached - I have more things than ever, and now I am feeling very cluttered, untidy and messy. This is not sitting well with me, I am starting to feel very edgy about my 'chaotic' life.
I have a huge box sitting there empty, just waiting to be filled with things to sell/give away/throw away and it's about time I started doing it.
Surprisingly enough, my biggest clutter now is actually Clothing.
I have been reading several articles about Minimising the wardrobe for maximum potential (just google 'Minimalistic wardrobe' and there are several articles and blogs on the issue), I know I own far too many articles of clothing.
I know I would never possibly wear everything I own.
Yet I still can't seem to part with anything.
Why? Because I am a hoarder. Plain and Simple. I am far too attached to Possessions and I shouldn't be.

So what am I going to do about it?
Over the next couple of days, I am going make a list of the things I need to get by comfortably.
Then, after that, I intend to go through my Wardrobes and clear out the things I will never wear/things that have been sitting there for more than 3 months unworn and put them into the big box. If, after a 2 weeks, I don't use anything in that box or miss it, I will sell it/give it away.

As much as I love my shopping trips, I tend to buy too much of things I do not need. Now My Wardrobes are so cluttered up with new things, I can't actually find anything or remember what I have got. The doors on the wardrobes are the only way of holding everything in too, so now I don't even like opening them because everything just falls out. It's a nightmare when I want to wear something, because I usually end up wearing the same thing.

So, let the organisation commence...

A night on the tiles

Photo of the top I wore - From Wallis (£13 reduced from £26). I went brave and didn't wear any other top underneath even though it is quite see through.

Last Friday I went shopping and bought lots and lots of clothes (As usual).
This time it was different though - I was shopping for a night out.

Even though I came back with armfuls of bags - I wanted a dress to wear for my evening out, but never managed to get one unfortunately, I can't seem to find a dress that fits my shape.
It's either too long/short, makes me look bigger than I am or just looks strange and doesn't suit me.

So I bought a top from Wallis instead and matched it to a pair of tight fitting black jeans (from Wallis also - that I hadn't worn before) and it went well together.

I bought lots of those little spaghetti strap tops - bargain at £1.50 - £3 each - one is each colour in fact, So I came home with at least 12 of those. Also a number of vest tops, t-shirts and more stylish tops.

Saturday night I went out clubbing with a a friend - the night didn't go exactly according to plan, my friend was over 2 hours late - but that was fine because I met up with some Cousins I had never met before and had an absolute blast - they were on a Hen night and they are so much fun.

I eventually got home at 3.30am - so it was a fantastic night.

My legs and feet ached like crazy for almost 3 days afterwards from all the dancing, walking and messing around.

Hopes of Travelling

I still want to travel - more than ever!

At the moment, it is on hold though. I have got no chance of passing a 'Fitness to fly' test and am not allowed to fly without that, even if I tried, I'd either be denied at the Airport and no Insurance company would ever allow me to be insured.

Until I have this test done - called a Short Synacthen Test, I cannot fly (Because it could put me at risk of Adrenal Crisis, which is life threatening, if I have what they suspect it is), So of course I do not want to take the risk.
The same applies to my Vitamin Deficiencies too - until they are treated and under control. Flying would put me at a much higher risk of Hypoxia and DVT.

I am hoping to be able to fly by the end of the year - preferably November.
I don't want to see another new year in without having travelled - It's 10 years since I travelled more than 25 miles or spent a night away from home.
It's more important than ever that I get away for a while, I am even willing to forgo shopping to save for it. Something I never thought I'd say!

I had decided on Jersey, Channel Islands - and had it booked. Thank god I was warned beforehand.
But I need to be more practical.
Jersey may only be an hour plane ride, but I have absolutely no one there that I know, which feels worrying with being ill.
So I have decided to try a 3 hour plane ride - yikes! But I have lots and lots of family there, should I have any problems. Everyone knows everyone there and I know lots of people from childhood visits. It will also be fairly familiar to me - even though it has changed quite a bit over the years, looking at photo's, it still looks the same. The beaches are beautiful and peaceful too - that's another thing, I long to just sit on a beach and watch the waves, the peaceful calm of the ocean can make you feel very at ease.
Going to this place - I can do some of the things I have always wanted to do - these can be my new goals in the near future.

Horse riding (equine therapy)
Jet Skiing
Quad Biking
Go/Blo Karting (The Fast ones - not kids ones)
Speed Boating (I LOVE speed boats and used to go on them regularly as a child).
Helicopter and/or seaplane tour.
Jeep Tour (Again, Done this as a child and loved it)
Swim with the Dolphins - and sharks
Spend a whole day on the beach doing absolutely nothing but watching the waves, sunbathing and relaxing (from Sunrise to Sunset)
BBQ on the Beach (We used to have them when we went to this place - on the rocky beach at night and it was stunningly perfect! You could hear the waves crashing around you and it is one of my favourite memories)

I am typically a peaceful person, I love peace and quiet and being on my own alot of the time.
But every now and then, I am a bit of an adrenaline junkie and haven't been able to satisfy that part of me for a long, long time - So I intend on making up for it!
Everyone needs some excitement occasionally.

I would love to visit Australia too - mainly to see all the family out there.
But a big thing for me is Phillip Island - I done this as a child but don't remember it. Google the 'Phillip Island Penguin March' - it is beautiful! I also want to visit the Great Barrier Reef and do a parachute jump and White Water Rafting in Queenstown, New Zealand.

Big dreams - One day I will fulfil them, even if I have to escape from my Nursing home!

Clothes Delivery

The clothes I ordered from Dorothy Perkins and Evans arrived today and I have to say, I am extremely happy.

It has to be the first time ever that I have bought quite a few articles of clothing and they have all fit.
I don't need to return a thing, which makes me extremely happy.

I ordered a Denim Skirt from DP and it looked extremely short when it arrived, and it is extremely short - But I am going to be brave and actually wear it, even if I don't feel brave enough to wear it on it's own, it will look fantastic with most colours of leggings - so perfect.
A pair of Black Skinny jeans I ordered from DP is a little tight too, but not uncomfortably tight, so I can still wear them. Maybe if I can lose a few more pounds, they will actually fit even better still.
I am very happy with everything - My favourite has to be a Lacy top from the Petite range at DP, it's Navy blue and looks beautiful and fits amazingly.

My style is really changing now, I used to play it safe, but I love brighter colours and have overhauled my image with them.

I have run out of space in my wardrobes completely now, So I need to stop buying clothes.

I wonder if I will ever stick by that though...doubtful, I love shopping far too much.

Tip: Make the most of discount codes available online!

www.vouchercodes.co.uk - They have a fantastic range of printable vouchers (for top high street stores) and digital codes for top online retailers.

10% off online at Dorothy Perkins - use code: DPWEL6

I also managed to get an extra 20% off at Evans, but the code has now expired.

Keep checking back on the mentioned website though, they continuously add new codes all the time.

Summer Bargains

So today I got back to doing what I do best - Shopping for bargains!...
and I found some absolute gems - and made up for lost time.

I cannot emphasize how much I love the TU range at Sainsbury's.
I never used to go for Supermarket produced clothing, mainly because I was concerned they were made in sweatshops in the likes of India. I was also concerned about the quality.
I couldn't have been more wrong.

Alot of the clothing products in Sainsbury's are Fairtrade products - meaning that clothes produced in the Third world countries receive a fair wage for the job they do, which is fantastic.
I cannot fault the quality either - in fact, the Garments are true-to-size and are made to last - as proven with a pair of Skinny-Jeans I have owned for over 2 years and worn and worn and they still look new!

Today I went to Sainsbury's to have a look at the TU range, see if anything new had come in  - and it had.
Not only that, they had 25% off everything! Amazing bargains, especially when some of the things were in the sales too - So I was paying the likes of just £2.25 for a fairtrade top, How brilliant is that??

In total, I spent £75 on the TU range - it does accumulate quickly, but I love a good bargain.
But out of that I came home with 2 pairs of Jeans, a pair of Jogging bottoms, a cardigan, a crochet top, some new underwear and 11 different colour/style standard vest tops and t-shirts.
You go to a designer shop and you'd be lucky to be able to get 1 pair of Jeans only for that price.

Then, I got wind of a 'Sale' at Dorothy Perkins - Up to 30% off everything, Admittedly, I went on the website and saw that the things I liked mostly had just 10% off, but then I found a discount code for an additional 10% off - So the minimum I got was 20% off everything, which I think is fantastic too.
I easily racked up £85 on there too and am getting alot for that too, Denim skirt, 2 pairs of skinny jeans, a pair of denim knee shorts, pair of denim shorts, a cropped jumper and a bag. But I haven't been shopping in over a month, so thought, why not?

I budget relatively well for shopping, I never spend beyond my means (I used to, but am happy to say I am well out of that bad habit). So I decided to go for it, I probably won't shop for another month now, although I have seen a few things on the British Home Stores website that I like the look of, I need to take a few things back too and that totals just over £50, so I will just swap if they have them in store.
No more online shopping for now.

I have lost a bit more weight too (probably through heat and worry), so I am constantly having to update my wardrobe with better fitting stuff anyway, it's not an excuse - I admit it, I am a shopaholic and the majority of things I buy are not a necessity, but there is a method to my madness so to speak.

Back to Blogging

It's been over 2 weeks since my last blog - Where on earth does the time go?

I have been very busy with Hospital Appointments (Yes, Again!).
I need some urgent treatment doing and the Hospital Registrar called me the day after my hospital visit with an appointment for next week to begin my treatment, however, there has been a glitch.
They have asked me to go to another different hospital, this time even further away. In fact, it is so out of the way it would take me nearly 2 hours to get there and 2 buses and 2 trains - there and back. That is far too much for me, I told them that and now, I am struggling to get the treatment I desperately need as they say that is the only hospital in the Borough that does the treatment I need.
So this is totally stressing me out!
I am hoping my original consultant will phone me on Monday morning to sort this mess out, because I am getting severely annoyed and frustrated and feel like crying! If not, I will try and track him down on Monday afternoon. I want this sorted ASAP, it's my health after all.
It's getting depressing too, I shouldn't have to continuously battle for the simplest of things.
My appointment was at 1.50pm - i got there at 1.20pm (I always ensure I am early for appointments), I didn't get out of there until 3.05pm. That really annoyed me too - If I can have the decency to turn up on time, Why can't they be on time? It's very unfair and totally unnecessary.
Then the Consultant told me I need to lose more weight - Like that is the solution to everything! Sigh.
I haven't been in the mood for shopping either - When I went to the hospital last Thursday, I always go shopping after a hospital trip, but I was so tired and down, I pretty much went straight home.
Shopping usually cheers me up after the hospital, but this time I didn't even make it to the shops.

I had to cancel my Jersey trip because of the urgent treatment I needed - Fortunately the airline fully refunded me since the Consultant wrote a letter for me.

I am feeling pretty down at the moment, Just fed up with everything.

Next time I blog, hopefully will be more cheery.

Family

It's my Brother's Birthday today - So I went to my Brother's for the afternoon & Evening to spend time with the Family.
I had an absolutely wonderful time.
My 2 Niece's are absolutely beautiful - I played with them the whole time I was there.
My eldest Niece, 8 years old is stunning - she cute, pretty and very, very smart - she was telling me all about Ancient Greece and other History facts, I forget she is only 8 sometimes.
My youngest Niece (She just turned 2) stuck to me like glue - she wouldn't leave my side, which was surprising because usually she runs wild through the house like a mini-tornado!
But today, we played for hours and she wanted me there all the time, so firstly we had a little chat - she has a new friend who she has named 'Emily' - Emily is their new Catfish. She kept telling me about Emily and how the thing escaped from the fish tank and hid under the stairs! Very funny.

Then I had my dinner - which, as always, she shared with me (She like's Auntie's dinner alot!) - even though she had just had a roast dinner, she wanted some of my Chinese, of course! But I don't mind, I love sharing with her - she also had to have some of my Lemonade.

Once 'We' finished my dinner, she had an Ice lolly or two and was so sticky - it was Bath time!
She wanted me to bath her - so I threw her sticky self into the Bath!
Then it was her big sister's turn for the bath - so I ran her a bath too and left her to it, she is 8 years old now and told her she is a big girl now and should bath on her own.

Then we went and played for another half an hour - including 20 minutes of having my hair brushed and styled - Have you ever had your hair brushed and styled by an 8 and 2 year old?? Well, their opinions of 'Styling' differ significantly - when they had finished, I came out looking like i'd been dragged through a hedge backwards!

Then it was bed time - Chaos ensues!!
Normally, they are easy to put to bed - but not tonight! The 2 year old didn't want to miss out on anything, so I sat with her for a little while and then put a film on the TV for her to sleep to - she continuously called out for me for half an hour until her Mum told her I'd gone home, then the tears started. She was over tired, and when she is over tired, she gets very naughty. Eventually - 3 hours after her normal bed time, she went to sleep.

Despite how tiring the day was - I loved every single minute of it!!
The buzz you get from playing with Children beats any shopping trip any day!!

A Holiday Booked

I have finally booked a short break away.
It's been 10 and a half long years since I have spent a night away from home - so now I have decided to take the plunge and book a break.
I am still waiting for my Passport to arrive (You need a Passport to fly everywhere now Photo I.D like a Driving Licence is acceptable for Internal flights, but since I only have a provisional licence and that runs out next year, I renewed my Passport, that way I have absolution of no Identity problems at the Airport.)
Hopefully, my Passport should arrive next week some time.

I booked with British Airways - not only because they are actually cheaper than flybe - but they also have a luggage allowance included with the Air Fare (Flybe charge £30 for baggage - Ridiculous!).
I was actually only going to use the Hand Baggage allowance to avoid collecting or paying for luggage, but with BA, I may as well use the free luggage allowance as I have a brand new suitcase to put to the test - and where am I going to put the souvenirs I might need want to buy? Also, who knows..I might end up extending the trip if I really like it - I have only booked 2 nights 3 days, just to test how I get on.

So, my destination: St. Brelade - JERSEY (Channel Islands)

I have not planned a thing for whilst I am there - I want to get out of the habit of Meticulously planning everything (Because life always has a funny way of ruining plans!) and know from past experience that the best fun is usually unplanned.
I have looked into Jersey thoroughly though (I wouldn't go there totally 'Blind', I have to know what is available). There are many things I want to do, I aim to do the following whilst I am there:

1. See the Jersey Show and ride the Go Karts at Living Legend 
2. Visit the Durrell Wildlife Conservation Trust at Les Augres Manor, Trinity
3. Visit the best beach on the Island.

They are just 3 things, there are more I want to do, but I won't have enough time unless I decide to stay longer. So I definitely need to make the most of my time whilst I am there - it's not a cheap trip.

I may buy a bus pass when I get there from the Jersey Tourist Board - Taxi's could work out really expensive otherwise. 

I am going to book the hotel once I arrive, since there are over 150 Hotels/Guesthouses etc on the Island, I will book it online once I arrive, I'm sure to get a last minute cheap booking. This is just in case I back out too, I am hoping I don't - the flight was £76 and it'd be a crying shame to lose that money! But I have to be sensible - If I book the hotel too and back out, that would be another £150 loss!

I am going to attempt a pre-run trip to the Airport asap to see how I get on. 

I shall see if I can take Photo's - I'm a little apprehensive about this, I don't want the airport staff to get concerned about the strange girl taking photo's of the airport! 

So i'll see about this one - if it feels right, I will take a few photo's. 

Ideally, I want to get there and take some photo's of the planes outside (like a plane spotter) - I do miss seeing planes close up, as a child they would always fascinate me! 

I used to love flying on a plane - that was the fun part of the holiday, I wonder if I still feel the same.

So hopefully, my next post will be about the airport...

The Meeting & Volunteering

Well, I went to the Home for the meeting with the Manager.
It did not go well.
It saddens me very much, but I have had to turn the Job down.

This is for many, many reasons;

• There is no certainty attached to the job - I like a little bit of a routine, this Job offers no routine, job security and stability.
• The manager didn't like my questions and gave me what I call 'Robotic answers' (Replies you would get automatically). She would then Answer my question with a question. I perceive this in a way that makes me think they have something to hide.
• The contract could not be changed - it was all one sided and offered me no protection at all.
• The job offered was a management job - only with 3 times lower pay.
• The staff turnover is extremely high - which to me, says no one likes working there/it's a dead-end job with no opportunity of moving through the ranks.
• They state they do not have the Budget to employ 2 Activities Coordinator's, when the CQC (Care Quality Commission) done a review of the Home in Jan 2012 they suggested the home employ 2 Activities Coordinators and the Interim Manager at the time promised to employ 2 members of staff for this. The home are insisting on only 1 member of staff for this Job. They want 2 for the poor price of one.
• I found it difficult to get an appointment with the Manager to discuss my pre-employment issues - I have to meet with her every time I need to purchase something from the Budget, which will turn the Job into a nightmare if I have to keep hunting the manager down just to buy something for the home. I would also have had to meet with her weekly and monthly for reviews on my work. These would have been a battle alone.

Aside from all of those legitimate reasons, I am simply not up to working over Full time (They want 40 hours a week as standard, I know for a fact this is a 60 hour a week job at the minimum). 

They flatly refused my suggestion of me working Part time alongside another Activities Coordinator.

I am upset that I couldn't take this job, however, it has made me realise a few things about myself.

I could not possibly cope with working full time. 

I'm still not well enough to work.

I am so glad I tried though, it has given me a good tester to see what I am capable of, so either way the outcome is positive. 

At least I know what I am capable of now, and I am seriously thinking of trying volunteering, just a few hours a week - and the manager of the home said she doesn't want to lose me completely, and to get back in touch with her at the end of June regarding volunteering (once she has hopefully found a willing victim to take the full time job). 

Volunteering is a better idea, I have been out of work for so long and am not well enough to be reliable enough for paid work. I am happy to give that a try to really test my capabilities and strengths. 

So now to take a new path - find a good volunteering opportunities. 

I have to say Volunteering, well even Job opportunities are extremely lacking in the area I live. It's an underprivileged area and opportunities are few and far between, which is why I am sad that this job offer has not worked out. But I won't be taken advantage of - they knew my health problems and that I haven't worked for almost 7 years, and I think they was trying to take advantage of that. 

Anyway, Now to look into the possibility of volunteering....

A Meeting arranged

I finally spoke to the Manager on Friday Morning, Reluctantly (On her part!), I have a Meeting with her on Tuesday at Midday.
She wasn't pleased at all about me calling to discuss 'Their contract' or ask questions - and actually spoke to me as though I was thick and clueless, which is disgraceful.
But I think they are desperate for staff there, they don't seem to be able to keep/hold/allow anyone in secure employment for very long and have a high turnover of staff.
This could be that employee's are kept on high term 'Probation' until they can be let go - if they fire you under a year after your employment commences, you have absolutely no legal rights whatsoever and cannot be entitled to any company full benefits such as Pension, Private Medical Insurance, Holidays, Sick pay etc.
This is totally legal too.
This is something the Government needs to fix.
Job Security is seriously lacking, which is why people choose to stay on State Benefits now - it's the only secure income you can get.
Anyway, I have my list of questions written out ready to ask - 13 questions in total, the manager won't be pleased! But peace of mind is priceless and so is the law being on my side too.
I certainly won't do a job intended for 2/3 people for just one low wage, that's for certain.

So, I will update on Tuesday afternoon to let you know how it goes...

More Doubts: Part 2

Something else has come to my attention.

This is a matter of Public Record:

According to the CQC (Care Quality Commission), who inspect the premises and levels of care within the home, they have aired their 'concerns' about improvements that need to be made within the department I have been offered the job in. Upon their recommendations - they think it is CRUCIAL that 2 members of staff be employed in this field to enable a better service - and the 'Interim' manager promised they would employ 2 members of staff for this job.

So, If they haven't employed 2 members of staff in this field and it is just me doing the work, my 40 hours a week (already increased from 33 hours!) will creep up to 80 hours a week if it is a 2 person job.

Personally, I think the home would benefit from 3 members of staff in this field (1 for each floor), but budget cuts and everything, they would not be able to afford it (unless the managers take a pay cut? I don't think so somehow!).

If I took this job, I would be stressed out to the max, put under considerable pressure and would definitely crack under those conditions! Especially when the pay is barely over minimum wage and I will virtually running the home by myself!

Realistically, I need to see the manager, discuss my many concerns (which I should be entitled to do, but can't seem to get in there!!) and agree on hours. Advertised was 33 hours, the contract says 37.5 hours (exc. breaks) and they can request I work additional hours.

I have far, far too many concerns to just sign the contract and take it in. I can see me just leaving it and not bothering, this shouldn't be this much hard work to start with - and work hasn't even commenced, still no official start date!

Where I have been off sick for so long, I feel like an easy target for people who want to take advantage of my good and caring nature, I don't know if I have the work 'Thick' stamped across my forehead - but they couldn't be more wrong! I am far from Thick! I won't be taken advantage of.

More to follow after Friday...If I can't see the Manager then, and they can't give me an appointment to see her, I will just leave it, for sure.

Doubts - with update

I have thoroughly read through my contract and other paperwork for the new job I have been offered and I am full of doubt.
There are many, many things missing from my contract that I am not going to take a risk on.
I need to discuss my concerns with the Manager - only one problem - I cannot seem to get an appointment with the Manager.
I don't know if it means she is genuinely busy - or if it's an excuse for me not to ask questions.
I made it clear that I am not willing to sign the current contract until I have discussed it with the Manager fully.
I have never entered into anything lightly and I certainly do not intend to do so now.
My concerns are very valid points, they are not unreasonable and I am, by law, entitled to ask the questions I need to ask in order to attain peace of mind about taking the job, and that's not something I have right now.
It is a real shame if this doesn't work out as I really want to take this role on - however, I will not take on the job if the doubts will affect my performance, safety and legal rights.
I need to call into the Home tomorrow to see if I can arrange anything in person, get answers and request a change in the contract.
This is highly disappointing, I was so hoping this would be clear cut - but it has really taken a turn and become extremely complicated.
Very frustrating indeed.

Tuesday 01 May 2012

I called the Home again to try and find out when the Manager of the home is actually going to be there. The manager wasn't there today, but she is back on Friday. The deputy manager told me it will be best if I call on Friday morning to see if the manager is available at any point on the same day.
This is already starting to turn into a bit of a nightmare and I haven't even started there yet. I mean, If I cannot get in touch with the manager at all now -what is it going to be like actually working there?
I'm supposed to meet with her on a weekly basis to give her reports.
How is that going to be possible, when you cannot track her down/book any time with her now, when i'm not actually working there?
For some strange reason they are putting me off seeing the manager, but I will NOT sign any contract until I have discussed everything and the contract has been adjusted. This is highly important to doing a successful job. If I can have peace of mind that the job is secure, I can put 100% into doing the job properly and accurately, all the while I am having unanswered doubts, I cannot possibly commit to the job fully.
It states in the paperwork, I have 7 days to sign everything and that will bring me around until Friday afternoon anyway, so I must see her on Friday - or at least be able to book a meeting with her as soon as possible.
It feels like everything is a battle already - and I don't like that. I like things to go smoothly (I know not everything goes smoothly, but it shouldn't be such a battle this early on - I haven't even got a start date for the job yet!).

Positivity

This week I have received over-whelming support from family, friends - and even strangers!
I still cannot believe I got the Job, it feels so surreal.

Yesterday, I had a hospital appointment - and even that went well! At the beginning, I was a bit annoyed at having to wait so long (over an hour and a half), but the Consultant I saw actually made sense for once and helped me. He has referred me for a series of tests and investigations (finally!), I had a blood test while I was there and I have to have another one in around 3 weeks time. I also need the following:

• Vitamin b12 injections - Tests show I do have a severe Vitamin b12 deficiency and need urgent treatment.
• I have new medication for the chronic and persistent Nausea.
• Another Blood test in 3 weeks.
• Bone Density scan (DEXA) 
• MRI Brain scan (only if my Prolactin levels are still abnormal after 3 weeks of taking the new replacement medication for the Nausea). 
• Back to see the Consultant for further investigation at the end of May.

So, quite a positive day at the hospital - and the friendliness of the Nurses at this new hospital is amazing. I cannot fault them in the slightest - even though they struggled with my blood tests (my veins are hidden) and that hurt a little when she poked around, they were so polite and chatty, and that makes all the difference.

The new hospital I went to is a little more awkward to get to - well not awkward in so many words, I have to get the train there and the trains are not very frequent (running every 30 mins), but I can get the train times on the National Rail website, so just a minor issue - I always get the Bus/Tram/Train times online anyway, because I am so obsessively meticulous in planning! 

However, I bought a One Day travel card (You can use these in any Zone all across London and outer boroughs) - so in the end, I rode 2 trains and 5 buses - all relatively short journey's, but I was so very exhausted when I got home.

Today, I picked up my New Job contract - I have some decisions to make as to whether I want to actually proceed with taking the Job, there are a few clauses in the contract that I'm not too sure and agree about, but I will consider this carefully over the weekend - this is not something I am just willing to give up on. I just want to give it some thought, which is perfectly normal. I am going to weigh up the pro's and con's of the job now I know more about what is involved. 

I got the Job!

So, I went along to the Interview - I don't know why I was so worried.
For starters, it wasn't even a proper interview - more like a formal chat - and I actually enjoyed it!
At the end of the chat, the manager said she had complete 'faith and confidence' in me and offered me the position immediately.
I couldn't be happier than I am right now - It's taken 10 years, lots of tears, pain and anxiety to get me here - but I am finally happy about something so very normal - and that feeling is amazing.
Usually, I am happy because a hospital test result came back clear or I got a hospital appointment quicker than the normal waiting times, but this was not happiness in so many terms, more like relief.
I would say that today is the very definition of happiness - it makes me feel like I can achieve anything.
To go for 2 interviews for this job is something I would never have been able to do 2 years ago and is an incredibly big achievement in itself, but considering I have been unable to work for almost 8 years now with hardly any references and I get offered a Job like this is beyond incredible.

I can now say I look forward to beginning employment in a Nursing Home as an Activities and Care Coordinator. I don't have the start date yet as I am waiting on the letters to sign for a CRB check - which will come back absolutely clear as I have no criminal record at all, I also have to have an Occupational Health check, which is something I am a little nervous of, however, it's nothing that can't be fixed.
Once that is all sorted, I will have an official date - probably in 4 to 6 weeks time, depending on how long it takes for all the details to be done and dusted.

So, watch this space for further info!

Pre-Interview Jitters

I have been called back for a second interview for the Job I applied for.
The first interview was nerve-wracking enough - but I have now been shortlisted (Yay!) for the Job and they want me back for round two.
However, this will be the final interview - should I then get the job, I will be required to sign a CRB check and take photo's in for my I.D card. Then it's training.
It's hard work and I'm not sure how my system is handling all this.
Today (Well all afternoon/evening), I have been feeling rather unwell - I'm not sure if it's nerves or what, but I have never felt this way before. My entire chest is feeling very painful and the top of my stomach too, I also feel extremely lethargic and just want to sleep, however, I can't - until now. If I sleep too early, I will be up too early and it will ruin my Interview. My first interview, I was exhausted through no sleep the night before and thought I had messed up, my mind would work quickly enough because of the tiredness when they was asking the questions.
I am hoping upon hope that I feel better in the morning - or I will have to cancel the interview. I am in so much pain with my neck, stomach and chest at the moment that I may end up actually having to go to the Doctor's, or I never thought I would say this - A & E. I will see tomorrow though, for now - I have to try and stop worrying about it - How do I do that? I think about my next shopping trip. Oh dear!
I do need to return a few things to BHS though - I have changed my mind, upon trying them on at home I don't think they are worth paying the full price for them (they do not look anything special on, for the prices I paid), but hey...it gives me an excuse to go back to the shops and choose something else - and you never know what bargains I may find again.
I heard from a very special friend of mine last night - and he wished me luck for my interview tomorrow and hospital appointment on Thursday (Yep, the day after the interview! - Which is probably why I am feeling so ill)), which was so lovely. I haven't seen him for over 6 years now and miss him dearly, even though we speak on the phone and write letters to each other, it's not the same as being with someone in person, Hopefully I will see him at the end of the year though.
I also saw a friend of mine today, we have been friends on and off for almost 17 years - Was really lovely to catch up with her. She has invited me to stay at her new flat for the night for a girls night in, I don't know how to tell her No though, it feels very rude, but I cannot explain the reason, but I suppose I will have to - there are only so many 'excuses' you can give someone. Ahh well, that's something for another day, I have more important things to concentrate on at the moment.

Watch this space (re; Job interview: Part 2)...
 

One day I went shopping...

I have this theory - Shopping with Discount vouchers makes your money work harder. Also, if you buy things in the sales (Like I have done on many previous occasions) and use the Discount vouchers there too, you can get some even bigger bargains. Well, this is what I done today, I set off with the following discount vouchers:

£5 off at H&M - Minimum spend, £10
£25 off at BHS - Minimum spend £100
£10 off at BHS - Minimum Spend £50
20% off at Evans - Minimum Spend £40

At H&M - I used the £5 off and Bought Leggings, a vintage style dress and a pair of cropped joggers in the sales and instead of paying the full price of £52 for everything - I got all of these things for the astonishing price of just £16, Saving a whopping £36.

At BHS I only used the £25 off voucher as I didn't want to go too crazy - still, I could go back - the voucher is valid until 29th April ! - and I still have the £25 off voucher which I could use again! In there I bought a skirt, shorts, pink and black linen crop trousers, 2 pairs of denim shorts, 1 top and a pair of bikini bottoms for £103 - £78 with the £25 off - OK, so not the best bargains ever, I paid full price on most of these things, however, it's things I have wanted for ages now and I have finally found the 'perfect' fit. So well worth it.

At Evans - used the 20% off voucher and bought myself a nice, smart subtle pinstripe suit - trousers and jacket to match, plus a really nice long line jumper. All for the excellent price of £36 (£9 off!) - Tell me, who can get a complete suit, with perfect fitting for just £28 ? ME!

At Argos I bought myself a pair of Sennheiser headphones - at last some decent headphones. They were also in the sale, reduced from £19.99 down to £17.99 (That's another 20% off!).

I also had a cheeky McDonalds for £4.39 (Chicken Nuggets and Chips - I was so hungry, 15 hours of no food will do that! Saying that, after all that shopping, I needed the drink that comes with it more than anything). I had the meal when I got home.

Who says I don't know how to find the bargains? I do, every time - Big smiles!

Now, I absolutely shattered.

Restlessness

The last few weeks, I have been feeling incredibly restless for some reason and my sleeping pattern has gone absolutely insane - even now, it's 5am and I am almost wide awake, having been awake since 2pm the previous day - So, what is going on with me lately?

It's a rather peculiar feeling, like I should be doing something - I just don't know what!

I have been wracking my brain trying to figure out if it's because I have an appointment or something that I have missed, but it's not that - I don't have any Hospital appointments until next week - test results!
Maybe that is it, I am sub-consciously anxious about the impending test results - but I don't think it's that either, after all, I am used to all these appointments now and in an odd way, have accepted them as part of my routine now, as frustrating as they are.

What is also strange is lately, the least likely people have been paying me some very nice compliments. I'm not used to it! People saying nice things to me I mean - especially one of the people that messaged me on Facebook. I'm so cynical - it could mean nothing, but after a lifetime of ignorance, nastiness and unpleasantness - I am used to being the 'ignored' one, the silent one sitting in the corner talking to no one - and that's how I like it, now all of a sudden people are being nice and wanting to talk to me. I am wary, embarrassed and dumbfounded - literally!
I'm nobodies fool though, I'm cautious about these people and very careful - i'm not a niave teenager any more.

I feel like everything is changing, i'm not sure if that is a good or bad thing at the moment, I don't adapt to change very well. Change in the past has been linked to one too many bad experiences.
Maybe I over-evaluate everything, but i'm not one for 'throwing caution to the wind', I am meticulous in everything I do.
I plan everything carefully and execute the plan to the letter - Obsessively!
Even now, here on my blog I am over analysing everything - you can see that, right?

Maybe change will be good for me - do everything in opposite, instead of planning - do everything on a whim, without thinking about it. Scary!! Everyone tells me that all the time I am planning and worrying, I could be out there doing it! Perhaps they are right, but I am not ready to take that plunge yet - but now it's in my mind, I will keep thinking about it - and one day, who knows! But for now, what is 'Healthy' for me is to continue on somewhat the same.

All this...I probably just need a shopping trip. Some retail therapy.
What do I need?
Nothing as such, however, next week I am actually going to sort my first Adult Passport out at last
(My child one ran out in 2006 and I never got it renewed into an Adult one - until now).
My biggest promise to myself is to use it for an 'International' trip at least once during the 10 years validity.
It will get it's uses though, most places that require some kind of I.D preference a Passport anyway, or you have to start digging around for at least 3 other forms of ID - and that drives me bonkers!

It is true though - Retail Therapy does exist and it's a wonderful thing. Until you see how much you have spent!

Organised - At last!

Today I wanted to go shopping - However, Space is becoming very limited in my Bedroom and my wardrobes are full to bursting - They are jam-packed and if I try and fit one more item in there, they will probably explode!
Plus the weather was horrendous too - bugger shopping in the pouring rain, all my pretty new things would be soaked.

So, Instead, I decided to spend the day organising everything around the room and in the wardrobes to see if I could fit the 3 bags of clothes I bought a few weeks ago in there - no such luck! However, they do look tidier and organised.

Section One 

Section 2

I really need to organise them a bit more, but that would mean emptying them completely - I will do that another day though. I'd like to separate the sections - One section tops only, the other section bottoms only. I need to re-try everything on too, the weight loss changes my sizes/shapes constantly.

Still got quite a bit more to do, but the entire room is looking great already. Besides that, I can't find my driving licence, so more tidying needs to be done :-)

Designer clothes - Worth it or not?...

...Not worth it!!
The eagerly-awaited  Lee Cooper Jeans arrived a few days ago - They don't fit!
The belt fits great that came with the jeans, I can get the jeans on but I don't like the cut.
They hang too low at the back and it makes them feel very uncomfortable, frankly, If I wore them out anywhere I would spend every 5 minutes pulling them up at the back. The fitting is very poor for a pair of designer jeans - I would not recommend Lee Cooper fitted jeans to anyone with a bigger-than-average bottom!
It's so disappointing because I have absolutely fallen in love with the style of them - the are a combination of Vintage-modern - and I absolutely adore that classique style that seems to be really in vogue this year!
Anyway when stop sounding like a fashion magazine critic I take them back, I will ask if they have anything similar, I don't want to go bigger because I already bought the bigger size (Remember, I am an Inbetweenie), If not, I will just swap them for something else.

It's really strange, the best pair of Jeans I ever bought were skinny jeans from the TU range at Sainsbury's in the sale at half price - just £8 and I wish I had bought half a dozen pairs now because I absolutely love them and they are so comfortable.
Designer doesn't always mean better (In my experience, it never has - well, except for the Joe Browns range which gets me drooling heart racing, their stuff is uniquely beautiful!) - they are incredibly over rated and poorly fitted.
I think I will stick with TU at Sainsbury's for my Jeans and Leggings - I have never had any problems with their clothes at all, in fact quite often I have to buy a smaller size, which really makes me smile - then I see the price and I smile even more - they are incredible for value and quality.

Lee Cooper Jeans - See the Vintage look - and the belt just finishes the Vintage look? 

You can see they don't fit well - and don't look right here either.

I'd like a Multi-Use Coat (Something like the Tresspass/Regatta 3 in 1 type) - So I will probably swap it out for one of those if they have them in stock and/or in my size, if not, I will just see what they have in store. 

More Bargains!

So, I sold some things on eBay.
I have this issue with clothes at the moment - I am an inbetweenie size and it is so difficult to find things that fit.
I needed to replace some of the things I sold on eBay with some things that fitted, but i know first hand how difficult it is to find something that will fit when you are right in the middle of two different sizes.
The solution? Cheat and buy stretchy!
So I logged onto Sports Direct (admittedly, I love the high street shop as well as the virtual one!) and was so excited when it said they accept PayPal - result!! Especially as I had the funds from my eBay sales still sitting in the PayPal account.
I found some stunning bargains on the website and ordered them, I have always wanted a pair of Lee Cooper and or Levi jeans, but have NEVER been able to fit into them (and I refused to order Plus Sizes from the USA at extortionate rates) - and finally, I can actually fit into them, ordinary UK sizes! I was concerned with being an inbetweenie size but I had to order them just to try them, if they don't fit, they can go back - easy! I will actually be the happiest person on the planet if they turn out to be too big! (Being an inbetween size, I ordered the bigger size).

I also got some I will never wear shorts, t-shirts and trousers.

I have decided I needed a style overhaul too - I wear far too many safe colours Blacks/Greys/Navies - I need to brighten up my wardrobe, it was getting a bit dreary in there and with the weight loss, I have a bit of a better figure now too and should hopefully be able to pull off wear more flattering, brighter things. I'm still young, but I dress too safe and old! Time to dress my age a little more.

I have never worn anything slutty, too revealing or distasteful and I don't intend to now, but I feel far better in my own skin now, so I need to get a bit more confident with styling and colours - dress to impress.

Aside from my outfit styles, I need a bit of an image overhaul too.
So I am growing my hair out longer, will pluck my eyebrows more often and will paint my nails different colours frequently.
I'm not a keen make-up wearer and never have been - I never wear any make-up (except on special occasions - even then it's just a bit of eyeshadow, eyeliner and mascara - I don't wear any foundation, blusher or lipsticks) and i avoid direct sunlight (I worry about ageing my skin prematurely, re: tanning). I am a born worrier and am very careful with my skin, maybe that's a good thing - hopefully I will reap the rewards of this when I am older.
I rarely wear jewellery - again, except for special occasions.
I keep things too safe - now it's time to step out of my comfort zones. I have to start somewhere and starting with my image will give me a much needed confident and self esteem boost.

Total spend on the Sports Direct website: £62 including delivery - super!

Back to what I do best...SHOPPING!

I had to be up and out mega-early today - I had to be at the hospital before 9am for a blood test.
So off I went to the hospital, leaving half asleep at 7am. Got to the hospital at 8am and took a number from the machine - I was number 95 - they had only just called number 78, So I was in for a long wait as usual.
Lucky I went so early - I just managed to be seen at 8.50am (10 minutes before the cut off time).

Anyway, Once I had the blood test done, I done what I usually do afterwards - go shopping!

I usually love shopping, but I was getting incredibly p***ed off today - it's the school holidays here and there were kids, kids, kids everywhere and women with buggies and a million kids - not at all pleasant at the best of times, but when you have lots of shopping - it's a freaking nightmare! It took me nearly 2 hours to get home and 4 buses - I had to get off the first bus because some idiotic woman kept ramming the buggy into my ankles - probably going to have some huge bruises on my ankles!
Still...I am home and glad of it.

Got some wonderful bargains (as usual) - my favourites?

A pair of Cream leggings and cream top in H&M for just £8 - perfect!
Also got some tops and trousers from sports direct for £39
Leggings and a top from Sainsburys for £10
2 tops from Dorothy Perkins for £10
and finally some Easter presents for the girls (2 Niece's and cousin) £10

I'm exhausted now...

Hayes, Keston and The Fan-Tail Junction

Going through the back way of Hayes is quite picturesque - I love the quaint'essential little cottages that line the road through to Keston - and Keston itself is also beautiful - gated houses with Tudor effect and mansion type (I really want one) and the lovely little pond hidden in the metropolis of trees and gates.

Then you reach the Fan-Tail Junction - chaos ensues! Traffic going every which way and lines of cars everywhere, considering a few minutes away is the peace and quiet of a sleepy village life, sitting in a traffic jam half a mile down the road seems very strange - much like leaving a side road to enter a motorway.

Despite that, I still like Hayes - the railway there is typical of country style - especially once you leave Hayes and stop and the other stations - they are extremely typical of country stations.

Ladywell Train station 

Next stop: London Bridge (only 9 minutes from the hustle and bustle of Central London, yet still country like)

This is why i prefer Kent to Surrey - it's so much less chaotic (despite traffic being crazy in places) and the people are pleasant, civil and friendly. Kent is a cornucopia of lanes and quirky places, with something new to be discovered all the time. 

Hospital Complaints

I went to the hospital yesterday for yet another out-patient appointment.

Firstly, I arrive early (10 mins) to make sure I am on time and that everything goes smoothly - but when does it ever?
It should be in my notes that I am a nervous patient - but once again, it wasn't, which highly frustrates me and pushing the anxiety levels through the roof. I get there and the waiting room is absolutely jam-packed - I had a bad feeling about this.
So I book in and about 10 minutes later the nurse come out and took my name and crossed it off the 'arrivals' list , I then asked her how long the approximate wait was going to be - it turns out that at that current time, they were running around an hour behind!!
Well, I was exhausted and felt unwell through no sleep the night before, so I told her I had another appointment at a different hospital at 13.05pm (My actual appointment time was 11.40am - it was 12pm already). So the nurse told me to find her at 11.50am to find out where I was on the list - I eventually found her at 12.15pm - and there were 5 people in front of me still, so the additional waiting time was going to be at least another hour, but I explained about this fake appointment I had at another hospital and she said she would bump me up the list if she could - eventually I got seen at 12.35pm - 55 minutes after my proper appointment time. But of course, by then I was so flustered, anxious and annoyed, I had totally forgotten what I needed to say to the Doctor and just sat there like a good little nodding dog just to get out of there as fast as possible!
This upset me a great deal and I am furious they can allow this to happen to a nervous patient.
I would have been there over 2 hours if I hadn't lied and said about the other appointment, which in itself is absolutely appalling.
I also do not see how it is possible to be kept waiting for so long, according to the nurses there were 3 Doctor's on duty and if they all did their job properly, the waiting time wouldn't have been so horrific! At one point I saw the Doctor standing in the corridor talking on his mobile phone for almost 10 minutes and flirting talking with the nurses for almost 10 minutes too - that's 20 minutes wasted - possibly 2 appointments (since mine only lasted for 5 minutes - with the Doctor using 3 of that searching for my scan results elsewhere).
Finally, the new Doctor I saw decided that an operation is the best option - finally, really getting somewhere.
I just cannot believe their appalling lack of respect and compassion...gone are the days of compassionate Doctors, now it is just about themselves money.

Interview Over

So, I have had the interview now and I am so pleased it is over.

Interview?? It was more like an interrogation. I didn't feel at ease at all, I had 2 women interviewing me and it felt like they were playing Good cop-Bad cop. I felt incredibly thick and stupid.

However, at the end of the interview, they always ask if you have any questions for them - and I did.

I am glad I asked them now - because it made up for feeling thick during the interview - Why? Because they DID NOT know the answers - Big smile!! People like that tend to think your are thick, until you can actually speak for yourself, without being directed to giving answers to their questions. It was nice to feel in control again, and hopefully, this will work in my favour.

Saying that, I learnt a bit more about the 'Job Description' and it turns out there is alot they did not describe in the actual Job listing - so I am concerned about this:

• It seems the Job may only be temporary (Giving hints to being only 3 months long) - which is very imperfect for me, I need stability and if they can't offer me that, it would be pointless to take the Job, as I can't do anything in regards to tribunal etc until I have been working there for a year (at least) and I would have alot to sort out again.
• There are additional tasks i did not know about that may be required - but I will also not get additional pay for, which is highly unfair.
• I get the impression that they are only looking for new idea's - and once they have got them, they will get rid of you (which again, they can do because of the loophole with the year thing)
• They didn't like the fact I only had 1 reference and it was from a 'family friend'.

I think Volunteering might be better suited to me, that way I can slide back into work slowly and it will get me the references I desperately need. 

We'll see though, I should hopefully hear back by the end of the week or next week, I am not confident I done too well though, I was so nervous and it showed - badly!

Interview Day!

Today is the big day - Interview Day!

I am so, so nervous it's untrue, but I am determined to make it through this.

Wish me luck - and watch this space!

Pre-Interview Nerves

It's almost Interview day - 36 hours to go and I am absolutely Bricking it!

I can't even remember the last time I actually went for a Job Interview - I am pretty sure it was 2003 and it was very informal really (it was shop work).

This one is obviously going to be a little more intense because of the Job itself - I will be handling confidential files and organising specific things, so there is the element of being very independent - and ensuring I don't cock-up! Understandably, I am as nervous as hell.

But, I am determined and will succeed - and this time, I will be in control of the nerves and not my nerves controlling me. Life has to change - I am not getting any younger and if I don't change my lifestyle now, I never will and I don't want to be 'set in my bad ways' - Life is for living and I have spent far too long as a recluse, time to make myself known to the world and achieve something I can be proud of.

I still want to fulfil that dream of going to Australia, I want to achieve this while I still have a little youth on my side - I want adventure, I crave it. I don't want to wake up some day, in my 30's (which isn't that far off now!) having never achieved my own personal dreams and goals, I aspire to be a better person - to give something to the world. My illnesses have and are stopping me to a degree, but I have never been more determined to overcome these and live my life how I want to, not how my fears tell me to.

I just have to remember my dreams and hopefully this will empower me to embrace the extreme nerves and live my dreams.

More news to follow...

Progression

I got some fantastically - eagerly awaited news today.

I have a Job interview for the one I applied for and I am absolutely over the moon.

I really want this Job and pray that I do get offered it.

So, Monday 26 March 2012 at 2pm - and it could change everything - for the better!!

Wish me luck - and watch this space for further news! :-D

One step closer

I handed in the Job Application form today.

I asked whether they have had many other applicants and they said they have only had a few, but as they are advertising 'In house', there will only be a limited interest, So I am seriously keeping my fingers crossed.

I should hear something within the next 2 weeks, regarding an interview - So, watch this space!!

Here's to new beginnings :-D

New Opportunities

So, I am applying for a job!

It's my dream job...well as close as it gets anyway.

I have filled in the Application form, now I just have to return it and hope for the best.

I really want this Job - the money isn't great, but the Job is perfect for me - and it's all about Job satisfaction, money is irrelevant. 

I also got some excellent news this week - my cousin has finally set her wedding date!

I really want to go - as the wedding is going to be big - they always are on my Dad's side of the family.

There is just one problem - I am Agoraphobic and the wedding is in Australia!!

How do I overcome this major issue? 

A new goal - to travel to Australia!

I have to work hard to make this happen and I only have about a year to do it. 

This year HAS to be about making changes - and I need to aspire to get the job I have applied for - i want this Job with a passion, it is not a necessity - it is an opportunity of a lifetime, like the Australia dream.

This way I can also save for the opportunity of a life time - to travel down under.

I will need to save at least £5,000 - aside from the flights, visas and spending money - I have no passport, no driving licence and most importantly - no suitcase!

So, no more shopping trips? Eeeek, What a scary prospect! - But I cannot miss out again, I have already sacrificed so much. 

So, watch this space - more to come!

Bad Habits

I have always had a bad habit of saying I will do something and then never doing it.
Well, I am changing - part of this Quarter's goal was to start clearing out my bedroom and finally, I have started to do this and have found I have more stuff than I thought I had!
This is no surprise though - but at least I can see the carpet now!
There is still a long way to go and that 'imaginary' box (I don't have one physically big enough!) is getting full of things to sell/give away or eventually throw out.
Hopefully, I am on target for the minimalistic look, if not it will still be close enough.
As for the goal of more exercise, this is a goal I have always failed and still am, although I am at a fitter level than ever before, there is always room for improvement - and this is no exception, I need to work a lot harder on this goal, I have no excuses other than pure laziness - I have the correct clothing and footwear (I have since December!), so I really need to get my arse into gear!
Perhaps I need a target, like running walking a marathon, so I have a purpose behind the exercise.
Exercise has always been a weak part of me, I loathe it, although lately, I have been trying to enjoy walking, I still find it incredibly dull (unless I am walking round the shops).
I am definitely a trier though, I very rarely give up at the first hurdle - I'm that persistent pain in the posterior!
Giving something up is never easy, but it is virtually impossible unless there is an intended goal at the end of it, but I always thought that was a little redundant - making a goal to achieve a goal seems retired and never-ending, but maybe that is just me.
I am starting to feel I need more structure to my goals and to question my goals a little better, like Why do I want a minimalistic look for my bedroom?' - I have thought about it and it's because when everything is tidy and organised, I feel more relaxed and comfortable and can sleep better - so maybe the goal would be to relax more and to do that I need to reorganise.
So, my intended goal is to relax more and in order to fulfil that goal one of the tasks I need to complete is reorganisation, rather the actual goal be reorganisation I will make it a task, a 'thing to do' rather than a goal.
Does that make sense? Probably not...

Summer Shopping (Already!)

I decided to go shopping today, with the intention of buying a few things for Spring/Summer and a few books I needed to advance my Family tree and learn more about the social history of my Ancestor's - I ended up with so much stuff, I don't know how I got home with it all!
I did get One book - The Biography of London by Peter Ackroyd - Looks very interesting (I hope it is too - it weighed a ton!).
Lot's of clothes too - all for Spring/Summer, which at the moment, appears to be well on it's way.
I think I spent around £120 - but that's not bad at all - I have come home with at least 20 tops, 8 pairs of trousers, new underwear, a pair of boots and a book.

I might be a Shopaholic - but I am getting thriftier - I took discount vouchers with me and bought everything in the sales. I may need to re-name the title of this blog!

My Wardrobes need some clearing out and re-arranging if I am going to be able to put my newest clothes away - they are already bursting to full - this was a few months ago - it's even worse now!

Resolution Issues

So, I started the task of embarking on a new and healthy diet yesterday and have had a major breakthrough.
I have realised - it is actually healthy food that is making me ill!
I spent 24 hours on a lower calorie diet, eating healthy food only - i felt so ill last night, I couldn't sleep and eventually nodded off, totally exhausted at 7am.
Today, I broke the diet and ate a few small chocolate biscuits and for dinner - chicken and chips, I still feel unwell - but no where near like I did last night and I actually had more energy!
Just to make sure it is not a fluke - I will try and do the healthy diet again tomorrow, but if I feel the same in the evening, I will certainly not be continuing with the healthy eating plan and will try and see a Doctor to see if they can tell me more.
It's very frustrating, I want to change my lifestyle but how can I when it is affecting my 'Quality of life'?
By the NHS standard, I am still 4st overweight - but what if I am not?
What if I am actually 'built' to be a certain weight (bigger than what is considered normal) and by attempting to change that will ruin me?
I don't feel unhealthy, fitness wise - I mean, I can't run miles and miles (Not everyone can) - but I can easily walk a mile now without stopping or feeling tired and puffed out (It used to take me 33 mins to walk a mile - I can do it in 11 mins, without stopping and at a faster pace!).
I walked a Mile today.
For now, the diet plans will be on hold somewhat - but I am still determined to do the exercise part of the plan to build up better fitness.
I have a rough plan of everything, but the best way of 'planning' is to take each day one at a time.

Let the resolutions begin

I made a good start today on my resolutions.

I cleaned the bedroom of the scattered rubbish and threw out an entire black sack full!

The new 'Diet' has also commenced - have been eating healthily so far today;

Breakfast: A bowl of Special K with Skimmed Milk (173kcal)

Lunch: Ham, Tomato and Cucumber sandwich on wholemeal bread, No butter/spread (270kcal)
           200ml carton of Apple Juice (89kcal)

Dinner: Jacket potato with Sweetcorn, Tomato, Cheese and fresh onion (625kcal)
           Sliced Peaches (Out of a tin because I am so lazy!) (86kcal)
           Half a bag of Mini-egg chocolate - Ooops (246kcal)

Evening snack: 1 Weight watchers chocolate mini roll (86kcal)
Drinks: Water only

Total Calories: 1575 - Not bad considering the daily allowance is 2000kcal per day

This is tough. If the weather wasn't so bad, i would go for a walk...but it's cold and pouring rain out there, So probably not the best day to begin dieting!
It's the end of the day now, so Day 1 of this healthy diet has begun...and I can feel the effects, My stomach and chest is hurting bad, My head is hurting and I feel sick. Isn't dieting great? NOT.
I will give it a try again tomorrow though, I am determined to eat healthier, I need to shift this extra weight some how.
Even if it is raining tomorrow, I am going to go for a long walk - the fresh air might help me feel better.

Reminder: Find the charger to charge the batteries for the camera - lots of stuff to be sold to aid with the resolution of clearing out the bedroom for the minimalistic look!

New Resolutions

Looking back on this blog so far, It seems I have written about everything but my original resolutions, so I have decided to try and get back on track and make some new 'Quarterly' resolutions.
There are many things I need to change about my lifestyle - realistically, I need a total overhaul of my lifestyle, but have realised that you can't do everything at once, I think Quarterly goals will be more suitable.
So for this Quarter (March to June), I aim to do the following:

• Diet: Start eating Healthier - Quite often I skip meals, not eating for almost 24 hours, which makes me feel lethargic, so I end up eating fattening foods like Chocolate. So, preparation of Healthy food in advance will be part of this target.
• Exercise: 2 Mile walks at least 4 times a week - building up to Jogging/running by the next Quarter - I want to see if it is possible to wear-out a pair of shape-up's!
• Weight: Lose 6lbs by 1st April 2012 
• Lifestyle: Spring-clean the bedroom, organise everything properly and sell or throw out everything that hasn't been used in the last 6 months, so it looks tidy and minimalistic by the next Quarter - I can hardly see the carpet!
• Make goals every Quarter - Next Quarter June - September.

Anger Issues

I have been told by a Doctor that I have 'Aggressive behaviour issues' and that i tend to respond to everything in a argumentative manner. As much as i dislike Doctor's - this is the only thing I can agree with that the Doctor has correctly diagnosed.
I haven't always been this way, I have always been submissive, mellow and easy going.
Over the last couple of years, my Anger levels have risen - which at first, I put down to a rise in Confidence and knowledge, but now I feel the Anger.
All of my life, I have never got anywhere by being submissive and just accepting everything without questioning anything, because confidence was a huge issue for me, as was shame and fear.
I still have the fear - but the shame is long gone, so now I am left with Anger.
Anger is Soul destroying.
Nothing keeps the Anger at bay - venting/complaining doesn't work for me and only frustrates the people around me (Which is something I loathe doing!).
I have so much to be Angry about - but that is just excuses, isn't it?
I am not physically violent, but the tone in my voice has changed - to an aggressive manner, I can feel it, everything I say comes out in an aggressive way - and I hate it, I can control it, but not to the extent i would like to.
I have never really had counselling for anything - I saw a psychiatrist when I was 9 for being bullied at school and I saw a Child & Adolescent team when I was 17 for some other issues, but I have never truly opened up about my problems - Trust is another major problem - the things I should have talked about, I never could.
The Anger and trust issues have built up over the last 16 years, and sometimes I feel like I could hit someone - and I have never hit anyone in my life!
So the next book I will read will be about Anger Management, and I have finally decided to take up Running to see if I can release some of my pent up feelings. My preference is to deal with everything myself, It will probably be my downfall one day, but how can I burden someone else with my problems?

Hospital and Shopping

Hospitals - I hate them. I have always associated them with Death. 

I need to go though, it's got to the point now where I have no choice. 

But the Hospital I went to is the worst - I avoid that Hospital at all costs if I can, but unfortunately I needed an urgent appointment and that is the only one that could offer me an urgent one.

This particular hospital I associate with some very bad points in my life - as a child, I was constantly there because of bullying-related illness and one of the worst experiences of my life as a teen. So being at that hospital brings bad memories i'd rather not think of - the hospital has not changed much either, so that doesn't help.

I could feel myself tense up the moment I walked into the main entrance and felt very on edge, I couldn't wait to get out of that place. The consultant I saw ordered a Blood Test to be done, so with my form I went along to Phlebotomy - I couldn't believe my eyes, it was manic in there and it was only 9.30am - the worst part? They had only just called number 75 and I was number 6 (They count downwards). So I found a manager and told a little white lie, saying I had another appointment in 25 mins and needed to hurry up.

I don't normally like pushing in on the queue, but I had to get out of there and fortunately, they fell for it and I was seen straight away. If I never have to go back there, it won't be too soon. I can't stand that place, I was out of there in record time - 40 mins later, when I got outside, the relief was enormous and I hurried away from there as quick as possible.

After, in true tradition - I went shopping. I needed to though, It helped me relax - and my Mum's partner owns his own business in the same town, so I went to see him after, that calmed me down - just having someone I know nearby helps alot. I enjoyed the shopping trip and got some more fantastic bargains, but I was also glad to get home, my feet were killing me and I was exhausted - I find hospital visits so draining, and it shows, because this time I left my keys in my front door - usually I will cross a road and almost get run over or trip on something silly (like my own feet!), i get exhausted and I am a danger to myself.

So here is what I spent on my shopping trip:

Bon Marche: Yoga Trousers, 2 tops = £19.50

Ann Harvey: 3 Tops = £14.00

Debenhams: 2 Tops, 3 trousers = £20.15

BHS: 4 tops, 1 pair of trousers = £22.50

Primark: 4 tops, 3 pairs of leggings, 2 packs of socks = £24.50

Brunch: Hash Brown & Lemonade at McDonalds = £2.00

Travel: £4.20 (Used to get Taxi's - Saved £30+ if I had of gone by Taxi)

Total: £106.85

Bargains :-)

Self Reflection

I have been reading alot about Self Discovery lately, learning about myself.
My entire life I have always 'followed' others, I have always been a pleaser - Doing everything to suit and make everyone else happy.
But where do I draw the line and start thinking for myself?
Over time I have realised, I have no idea who I really am.
Most people in life never discover their true selves.
To be completely at peace and settled in life, you need to learn exactly who you are and what you want.
My life has been one huge rollercoaster ride - but at some point you need to stop riding, get off and try something different - Now is my time.
I have reflected on so many aspects of my life lately - My childhood, teen years, family, friends, boyfriends and choices i have made.
Every step of the way there has been learning curves, sometimes some very hard lessons learnt, but these are the things that have allowed me such a turning point in my life.
I never had much of a childhood, I had to grow up very fast, my teen years were plagued by insecurities, anxieties and never really fitting in, family was the only 'constant' in my life until that was blown apart, never really having friends - just fitting in, boyfriends that have been terrible - drunks/drugs/violent and needless to say the many, many choices i have made over the years.
I haven't quite put the past behind me, but I am learning more about the 'future me' and who I want to be/who i am becoming. Even my lifestyle is changing - for the better.
I am more picky with regard to many things - the major one is Men.
My previous history is 'Bad Boys'...but i took that to the extremes. The 2 serious boyfriends i had - one was (and still is!) a vile, violent drunk and the other is another violent, drug addict (or possibly a former drug addict), who is currently in prison on a very long stretch. A few other 'casual' relationships never worked out.
I attracted these kind of men into my life because of the low opinion of myself - at the time i felt i didn't deserve anything better, but now i know different - that i do deserve much better. I certainly don't feel like a target for every desperate creep any more.
It's taken me and will take me a long time, but i am finally learning about the real me. All my life i have been selfless, now it's time to be a little selfish in order to be happy.

Shopping for a soon-to-be 2 year old

It is actually hard work trying to buy for a 2 year old's birthday present!
It's such an awkward age - there isn't much out there for that age group, the things that are 2 and under are too babyish and the other things are for 36 months+
I wanted to get my Niece a Dolly set for her birthday - she loves playing with dolls, but do you think i could find her one? Could i heck!!
I managed to get her a few cute outfits and a book titled 'Stories for 2 year olds' - very apt! She loves books too. I still want to get her a dolly set, so i guess i need to try somewhere else.
I will find something - usually at the last minute.
I feel the need to spoil her a bit - she gets left out sometimes and it's sad to see it.
I surprised my Grandad by going to see him today too - I took him a chocolate cake, doughnuts and some dark chocolate - all his favourites, which i had bought while i was out - he was so pleased to see me!
I treated myself to 2 tops and a Tatty Teddy pyjama set too.
It's amazing though really, i bought so many little bits and pieces and only managed to spend about £40 - probably even less than that.
It has been a long day - i feel totally exhausted.
4 bus rides, 2 train rides and 1 taxi ride would exhaust anyone though! So i need to rest for a few days - I have a hospital trip to make this Friday and the following Monday - and they take a heck of alot out of me. So I will be staying in until next Friday for sure, i need to gather my strength, as silly as it sounds.
I hate being this way - just one trip out totally wipes me out physically and mentally, and takes me 2-3 days to recover from - right now, i feel like i have been hit by a bus!
Time to retire to bed...

Hopes & Dreams; Travelling

What with feeling ill, I decided to do some research and reading on travelling - This always cheers me up.
I have read about parts of the USA, Canada, Asia (Russia), Australia, Papua New Guinea, New Zealand and other smaller islands. There is so much to read, I am enjoying learning about new places.
Today I have been reading about Thailand. It's not somewhere i am particularly fond of nor top of my list of places to visit, but the more i read about Thailand, the more fascinating i find the place and am actually growing to like it.
The most appealing thing is the amazingly beautiful beaches and how cheap it is there - On my calculations, you could get by relatively easy and comfortably for 3 months with just £1500 in your pocket - maybe even less if you rough it, unfortunately though, there are a few creature comforts i just couldn't live with out.
As with everywhere you go, there are positives and negatives, it would not be possible to visit everywhere in the world i want to go - you could only do that if you have unlimited funds.
Part of me is concerned though, with my illness, I wonder if my dream of travelling and constant reading about it will set me up for a harsh fall - at the moment travelling more than 10 miles is impossible, let alone globe-trotting thousands of miles and being away from home for months, possibly years.
I am determined to make the 'impossible' possible, but the dream appears to be distantly fading.
I remember when i was 21, i set myself a target that i will go travelling and be travelling on my 30th Birthday - this is just 3 and a half years away, so i don't think it will be possible, health wise and financially.
So here is a new target - I WILL go travelling by my 35th Birthday, if i don't do it by then, i never will - i will be too old. I have missed the best years of my life having this rotten illness, I am going through a stage where i am starting to feel old - I need some of my 'Youth' back - meaning i need to feel my age, I am still young - I am only 26 still but i feel like i am 50. Being stuck indoors for 10 years is really starting to drag me down, I have missed out on so much, i feel like I have been like this forever.
There is a whole wide world out there i need to feel, experience and see, my dream and hope is that one day i will experience 'the unknown world', because there has to be more to life than one room.

Run Down

For the past couple of days i have been having a very sore throat and cold symptoms, this evening i feel rotten, i feel so run down and keep crying all of a sudden.
My throat is incredibly painful - I don't remember it ever being this bad - and i have had recurrent Tonsillitis for over 15 years! The pain isn't helping the tears much - nor is my Dad's smoking.
I told my Dad his smoking was increasing the pain - and actually making my nose feel like it's on fire and making me sneeze, which in turn hurts my throat more. He apologised - and half an hour later lit up another one! So there i was, standing outside at midnight in the freezing cold because of another one of his insensitive actions and the fact i can't breathe properly, and i am standing outside, realising i have no where to go. No friends. No family (well none that would like me showing up at midnight).
I have nothing - i haven't even got my health and my sanity is questionable.
Everywhere above my shoulders hurts - and my stomach as usual, i feel exhausted, Generally unwell, tearful, depressed and totally fed up.
So now, my throat feels like it's been slit with a rusty old knife and nose burnt with a soldering iron!
I have spectacularly had enough...

My Heroes

Seeing that it is thick snow outside, I decided to re-acquaint myself with the family tree today and it got me thinking.
How did my Ancestor's cope with such cold weather?
Today, everyone has Central Heating or heating of some kind, at least. Back then, if someone had said 'Central Heating', can you imagine their faces? They would be baffled.
I honestly don't know how they coped, all huddled together in one room, cuddling each other to keep warm - which is why diseases were so rife. Then there are the ones that had to work outside - Grave Diggers (Can you imagine trying to dig solid, frozen ground with just a Spade? No digging equipment like today!), Hawkers (Street Sellers - up at 3 or 4am and selling right through to 10 or 11pm), Gardeners and such like, never being able to go home to a fully warmed property and most of the time, never being able to have a hot bath.
It's funny what we take for granted - I love being able to have a Bath, this would be a luxury to my Ancestor's though. Back then, they had the 'Public Baths' - but who would want to Bath in full view of everyone? Especially when the Baths were dirty, lice & Flea infested and diseased waters.
They were true Grafters though - and there were no such thing as State Benefits. Poor Law money was incredibly hard to claim, and the majority were below the poverty line.
But for as many that died, many more lived.
Suffering was undeniable, many women lost all of their children before they died (I read on the census for 1911 - one woman was widowed, had 16 children, lost 14 children and only 2 survived according to that census) due to lack of health care and poor living conditions Poverty was widespread. Disease was rife. Conditions were filthy. No one had anything. Yet somehow, they marched on with pride, never giving up - probably because they never knew anything different.

Undoubtedly, My Ancestor's are my Heroes.