Doubts - with update

I have thoroughly read through my contract and other paperwork for the new job I have been offered and I am full of doubt.
There are many, many things missing from my contract that I am not going to take a risk on.
I need to discuss my concerns with the Manager - only one problem - I cannot seem to get an appointment with the Manager.
I don't know if it means she is genuinely busy - or if it's an excuse for me not to ask questions.
I made it clear that I am not willing to sign the current contract until I have discussed it with the Manager fully.
I have never entered into anything lightly and I certainly do not intend to do so now.
My concerns are very valid points, they are not unreasonable and I am, by law, entitled to ask the questions I need to ask in order to attain peace of mind about taking the job, and that's not something I have right now.
It is a real shame if this doesn't work out as I really want to take this role on - however, I will not take on the job if the doubts will affect my performance, safety and legal rights.
I need to call into the Home tomorrow to see if I can arrange anything in person, get answers and request a change in the contract.
This is highly disappointing, I was so hoping this would be clear cut - but it has really taken a turn and become extremely complicated.
Very frustrating indeed.

Tuesday 01 May 2012

I called the Home again to try and find out when the Manager of the home is actually going to be there. The manager wasn't there today, but she is back on Friday. The deputy manager told me it will be best if I call on Friday morning to see if the manager is available at any point on the same day.
This is already starting to turn into a bit of a nightmare and I haven't even started there yet. I mean, If I cannot get in touch with the manager at all now -what is it going to be like actually working there?
I'm supposed to meet with her on a weekly basis to give her reports.
How is that going to be possible, when you cannot track her down/book any time with her now, when i'm not actually working there?
For some strange reason they are putting me off seeing the manager, but I will NOT sign any contract until I have discussed everything and the contract has been adjusted. This is highly important to doing a successful job. If I can have peace of mind that the job is secure, I can put 100% into doing the job properly and accurately, all the while I am having unanswered doubts, I cannot possibly commit to the job fully.
It states in the paperwork, I have 7 days to sign everything and that will bring me around until Friday afternoon anyway, so I must see her on Friday - or at least be able to book a meeting with her as soon as possible.
It feels like everything is a battle already - and I don't like that. I like things to go smoothly (I know not everything goes smoothly, but it shouldn't be such a battle this early on - I haven't even got a start date for the job yet!).

Positivity

This week I have received over-whelming support from family, friends - and even strangers!
I still cannot believe I got the Job, it feels so surreal.

Yesterday, I had a hospital appointment - and even that went well! At the beginning, I was a bit annoyed at having to wait so long (over an hour and a half), but the Consultant I saw actually made sense for once and helped me. He has referred me for a series of tests and investigations (finally!), I had a blood test while I was there and I have to have another one in around 3 weeks time. I also need the following:

• Vitamin b12 injections - Tests show I do have a severe Vitamin b12 deficiency and need urgent treatment.
• I have new medication for the chronic and persistent Nausea.
• Another Blood test in 3 weeks.
• Bone Density scan (DEXA) 
• MRI Brain scan (only if my Prolactin levels are still abnormal after 3 weeks of taking the new replacement medication for the Nausea). 
• Back to see the Consultant for further investigation at the end of May.

So, quite a positive day at the hospital - and the friendliness of the Nurses at this new hospital is amazing. I cannot fault them in the slightest - even though they struggled with my blood tests (my veins are hidden) and that hurt a little when she poked around, they were so polite and chatty, and that makes all the difference.

The new hospital I went to is a little more awkward to get to - well not awkward in so many words, I have to get the train there and the trains are not very frequent (running every 30 mins), but I can get the train times on the National Rail website, so just a minor issue - I always get the Bus/Tram/Train times online anyway, because I am so obsessively meticulous in planning! 

However, I bought a One Day travel card (You can use these in any Zone all across London and outer boroughs) - so in the end, I rode 2 trains and 5 buses - all relatively short journey's, but I was so very exhausted when I got home.

Today, I picked up my New Job contract - I have some decisions to make as to whether I want to actually proceed with taking the Job, there are a few clauses in the contract that I'm not too sure and agree about, but I will consider this carefully over the weekend - this is not something I am just willing to give up on. I just want to give it some thought, which is perfectly normal. I am going to weigh up the pro's and con's of the job now I know more about what is involved. 

I got the Job!

So, I went along to the Interview - I don't know why I was so worried.
For starters, it wasn't even a proper interview - more like a formal chat - and I actually enjoyed it!
At the end of the chat, the manager said she had complete 'faith and confidence' in me and offered me the position immediately.
I couldn't be happier than I am right now - It's taken 10 years, lots of tears, pain and anxiety to get me here - but I am finally happy about something so very normal - and that feeling is amazing.
Usually, I am happy because a hospital test result came back clear or I got a hospital appointment quicker than the normal waiting times, but this was not happiness in so many terms, more like relief.
I would say that today is the very definition of happiness - it makes me feel like I can achieve anything.
To go for 2 interviews for this job is something I would never have been able to do 2 years ago and is an incredibly big achievement in itself, but considering I have been unable to work for almost 8 years now with hardly any references and I get offered a Job like this is beyond incredible.

I can now say I look forward to beginning employment in a Nursing Home as an Activities and Care Coordinator. I don't have the start date yet as I am waiting on the letters to sign for a CRB check - which will come back absolutely clear as I have no criminal record at all, I also have to have an Occupational Health check, which is something I am a little nervous of, however, it's nothing that can't be fixed.
Once that is all sorted, I will have an official date - probably in 4 to 6 weeks time, depending on how long it takes for all the details to be done and dusted.

So, watch this space for further info!

Pre-Interview Jitters

I have been called back for a second interview for the Job I applied for.
The first interview was nerve-wracking enough - but I have now been shortlisted (Yay!) for the Job and they want me back for round two.
However, this will be the final interview - should I then get the job, I will be required to sign a CRB check and take photo's in for my I.D card. Then it's training.
It's hard work and I'm not sure how my system is handling all this.
Today (Well all afternoon/evening), I have been feeling rather unwell - I'm not sure if it's nerves or what, but I have never felt this way before. My entire chest is feeling very painful and the top of my stomach too, I also feel extremely lethargic and just want to sleep, however, I can't - until now. If I sleep too early, I will be up too early and it will ruin my Interview. My first interview, I was exhausted through no sleep the night before and thought I had messed up, my mind would work quickly enough because of the tiredness when they was asking the questions.
I am hoping upon hope that I feel better in the morning - or I will have to cancel the interview. I am in so much pain with my neck, stomach and chest at the moment that I may end up actually having to go to the Doctor's, or I never thought I would say this - A & E. I will see tomorrow though, for now - I have to try and stop worrying about it - How do I do that? I think about my next shopping trip. Oh dear!
I do need to return a few things to BHS though - I have changed my mind, upon trying them on at home I don't think they are worth paying the full price for them (they do not look anything special on, for the prices I paid), but hey...it gives me an excuse to go back to the shops and choose something else - and you never know what bargains I may find again.
I heard from a very special friend of mine last night - and he wished me luck for my interview tomorrow and hospital appointment on Thursday (Yep, the day after the interview! - Which is probably why I am feeling so ill)), which was so lovely. I haven't seen him for over 6 years now and miss him dearly, even though we speak on the phone and write letters to each other, it's not the same as being with someone in person, Hopefully I will see him at the end of the year though.
I also saw a friend of mine today, we have been friends on and off for almost 17 years - Was really lovely to catch up with her. She has invited me to stay at her new flat for the night for a girls night in, I don't know how to tell her No though, it feels very rude, but I cannot explain the reason, but I suppose I will have to - there are only so many 'excuses' you can give someone. Ahh well, that's something for another day, I have more important things to concentrate on at the moment.

Watch this space (re; Job interview: Part 2)...
 

One day I went shopping...

I have this theory - Shopping with Discount vouchers makes your money work harder. Also, if you buy things in the sales (Like I have done on many previous occasions) and use the Discount vouchers there too, you can get some even bigger bargains. Well, this is what I done today, I set off with the following discount vouchers:

£5 off at H&M - Minimum spend, £10
£25 off at BHS - Minimum spend £100
£10 off at BHS - Minimum Spend £50
20% off at Evans - Minimum Spend £40

At H&M - I used the £5 off and Bought Leggings, a vintage style dress and a pair of cropped joggers in the sales and instead of paying the full price of £52 for everything - I got all of these things for the astonishing price of just £16, Saving a whopping £36.

At BHS I only used the £25 off voucher as I didn't want to go too crazy - still, I could go back - the voucher is valid until 29th April ! - and I still have the £25 off voucher which I could use again! In there I bought a skirt, shorts, pink and black linen crop trousers, 2 pairs of denim shorts, 1 top and a pair of bikini bottoms for £103 - £78 with the £25 off - OK, so not the best bargains ever, I paid full price on most of these things, however, it's things I have wanted for ages now and I have finally found the 'perfect' fit. So well worth it.

At Evans - used the 20% off voucher and bought myself a nice, smart subtle pinstripe suit - trousers and jacket to match, plus a really nice long line jumper. All for the excellent price of £36 (£9 off!) - Tell me, who can get a complete suit, with perfect fitting for just £28 ? ME!

At Argos I bought myself a pair of Sennheiser headphones - at last some decent headphones. They were also in the sale, reduced from £19.99 down to £17.99 (That's another 20% off!).

I also had a cheeky McDonalds for £4.39 (Chicken Nuggets and Chips - I was so hungry, 15 hours of no food will do that! Saying that, after all that shopping, I needed the drink that comes with it more than anything). I had the meal when I got home.

Who says I don't know how to find the bargains? I do, every time - Big smiles!

Now, I absolutely shattered.

Restlessness

The last few weeks, I have been feeling incredibly restless for some reason and my sleeping pattern has gone absolutely insane - even now, it's 5am and I am almost wide awake, having been awake since 2pm the previous day - So, what is going on with me lately?

It's a rather peculiar feeling, like I should be doing something - I just don't know what!

I have been wracking my brain trying to figure out if it's because I have an appointment or something that I have missed, but it's not that - I don't have any Hospital appointments until next week - test results!
Maybe that is it, I am sub-consciously anxious about the impending test results - but I don't think it's that either, after all, I am used to all these appointments now and in an odd way, have accepted them as part of my routine now, as frustrating as they are.

What is also strange is lately, the least likely people have been paying me some very nice compliments. I'm not used to it! People saying nice things to me I mean - especially one of the people that messaged me on Facebook. I'm so cynical - it could mean nothing, but after a lifetime of ignorance, nastiness and unpleasantness - I am used to being the 'ignored' one, the silent one sitting in the corner talking to no one - and that's how I like it, now all of a sudden people are being nice and wanting to talk to me. I am wary, embarrassed and dumbfounded - literally!
I'm nobodies fool though, I'm cautious about these people and very careful - i'm not a niave teenager any more.

I feel like everything is changing, i'm not sure if that is a good or bad thing at the moment, I don't adapt to change very well. Change in the past has been linked to one too many bad experiences.
Maybe I over-evaluate everything, but i'm not one for 'throwing caution to the wind', I am meticulous in everything I do.
I plan everything carefully and execute the plan to the letter - Obsessively!
Even now, here on my blog I am over analysing everything - you can see that, right?

Maybe change will be good for me - do everything in opposite, instead of planning - do everything on a whim, without thinking about it. Scary!! Everyone tells me that all the time I am planning and worrying, I could be out there doing it! Perhaps they are right, but I am not ready to take that plunge yet - but now it's in my mind, I will keep thinking about it - and one day, who knows! But for now, what is 'Healthy' for me is to continue on somewhat the same.

All this...I probably just need a shopping trip. Some retail therapy.
What do I need?
Nothing as such, however, next week I am actually going to sort my first Adult Passport out at last
(My child one ran out in 2006 and I never got it renewed into an Adult one - until now).
My biggest promise to myself is to use it for an 'International' trip at least once during the 10 years validity.
It will get it's uses though, most places that require some kind of I.D preference a Passport anyway, or you have to start digging around for at least 3 other forms of ID - and that drives me bonkers!

It is true though - Retail Therapy does exist and it's a wonderful thing. Until you see how much you have spent!

Organised - At last!

Today I wanted to go shopping - However, Space is becoming very limited in my Bedroom and my wardrobes are full to bursting - They are jam-packed and if I try and fit one more item in there, they will probably explode!
Plus the weather was horrendous too - bugger shopping in the pouring rain, all my pretty new things would be soaked.

So, Instead, I decided to spend the day organising everything around the room and in the wardrobes to see if I could fit the 3 bags of clothes I bought a few weeks ago in there - no such luck! However, they do look tidier and organised.

Section One 

Section 2

I really need to organise them a bit more, but that would mean emptying them completely - I will do that another day though. I'd like to separate the sections - One section tops only, the other section bottoms only. I need to re-try everything on too, the weight loss changes my sizes/shapes constantly.

Still got quite a bit more to do, but the entire room is looking great already. Besides that, I can't find my driving licence, so more tidying needs to be done :-)

Designer clothes - Worth it or not?...

...Not worth it!!
The eagerly-awaited  Lee Cooper Jeans arrived a few days ago - They don't fit!
The belt fits great that came with the jeans, I can get the jeans on but I don't like the cut.
They hang too low at the back and it makes them feel very uncomfortable, frankly, If I wore them out anywhere I would spend every 5 minutes pulling them up at the back. The fitting is very poor for a pair of designer jeans - I would not recommend Lee Cooper fitted jeans to anyone with a bigger-than-average bottom!
It's so disappointing because I have absolutely fallen in love with the style of them - the are a combination of Vintage-modern - and I absolutely adore that classique style that seems to be really in vogue this year!
Anyway when stop sounding like a fashion magazine critic I take them back, I will ask if they have anything similar, I don't want to go bigger because I already bought the bigger size (Remember, I am an Inbetweenie), If not, I will just swap them for something else.

It's really strange, the best pair of Jeans I ever bought were skinny jeans from the TU range at Sainsbury's in the sale at half price - just £8 and I wish I had bought half a dozen pairs now because I absolutely love them and they are so comfortable.
Designer doesn't always mean better (In my experience, it never has - well, except for the Joe Browns range which gets me drooling heart racing, their stuff is uniquely beautiful!) - they are incredibly over rated and poorly fitted.
I think I will stick with TU at Sainsbury's for my Jeans and Leggings - I have never had any problems with their clothes at all, in fact quite often I have to buy a smaller size, which really makes me smile - then I see the price and I smile even more - they are incredible for value and quality.

Lee Cooper Jeans - See the Vintage look - and the belt just finishes the Vintage look? 

You can see they don't fit well - and don't look right here either.

I'd like a Multi-Use Coat (Something like the Tresspass/Regatta 3 in 1 type) - So I will probably swap it out for one of those if they have them in stock and/or in my size, if not, I will just see what they have in store. 

More Bargains!

So, I sold some things on eBay.
I have this issue with clothes at the moment - I am an inbetweenie size and it is so difficult to find things that fit.
I needed to replace some of the things I sold on eBay with some things that fitted, but i know first hand how difficult it is to find something that will fit when you are right in the middle of two different sizes.
The solution? Cheat and buy stretchy!
So I logged onto Sports Direct (admittedly, I love the high street shop as well as the virtual one!) and was so excited when it said they accept PayPal - result!! Especially as I had the funds from my eBay sales still sitting in the PayPal account.
I found some stunning bargains on the website and ordered them, I have always wanted a pair of Lee Cooper and or Levi jeans, but have NEVER been able to fit into them (and I refused to order Plus Sizes from the USA at extortionate rates) - and finally, I can actually fit into them, ordinary UK sizes! I was concerned with being an inbetweenie size but I had to order them just to try them, if they don't fit, they can go back - easy! I will actually be the happiest person on the planet if they turn out to be too big! (Being an inbetween size, I ordered the bigger size).

I also got some I will never wear shorts, t-shirts and trousers.

I have decided I needed a style overhaul too - I wear far too many safe colours Blacks/Greys/Navies - I need to brighten up my wardrobe, it was getting a bit dreary in there and with the weight loss, I have a bit of a better figure now too and should hopefully be able to pull off wear more flattering, brighter things. I'm still young, but I dress too safe and old! Time to dress my age a little more.

I have never worn anything slutty, too revealing or distasteful and I don't intend to now, but I feel far better in my own skin now, so I need to get a bit more confident with styling and colours - dress to impress.

Aside from my outfit styles, I need a bit of an image overhaul too.
So I am growing my hair out longer, will pluck my eyebrows more often and will paint my nails different colours frequently.
I'm not a keen make-up wearer and never have been - I never wear any make-up (except on special occasions - even then it's just a bit of eyeshadow, eyeliner and mascara - I don't wear any foundation, blusher or lipsticks) and i avoid direct sunlight (I worry about ageing my skin prematurely, re: tanning). I am a born worrier and am very careful with my skin, maybe that's a good thing - hopefully I will reap the rewards of this when I am older.
I rarely wear jewellery - again, except for special occasions.
I keep things too safe - now it's time to step out of my comfort zones. I have to start somewhere and starting with my image will give me a much needed confident and self esteem boost.

Total spend on the Sports Direct website: £62 including delivery - super!

Back to what I do best...SHOPPING!

I had to be up and out mega-early today - I had to be at the hospital before 9am for a blood test.
So off I went to the hospital, leaving half asleep at 7am. Got to the hospital at 8am and took a number from the machine - I was number 95 - they had only just called number 78, So I was in for a long wait as usual.
Lucky I went so early - I just managed to be seen at 8.50am (10 minutes before the cut off time).

Anyway, Once I had the blood test done, I done what I usually do afterwards - go shopping!

I usually love shopping, but I was getting incredibly p***ed off today - it's the school holidays here and there were kids, kids, kids everywhere and women with buggies and a million kids - not at all pleasant at the best of times, but when you have lots of shopping - it's a freaking nightmare! It took me nearly 2 hours to get home and 4 buses - I had to get off the first bus because some idiotic woman kept ramming the buggy into my ankles - probably going to have some huge bruises on my ankles!
Still...I am home and glad of it.

Got some wonderful bargains (as usual) - my favourites?

A pair of Cream leggings and cream top in H&M for just £8 - perfect!
Also got some tops and trousers from sports direct for £39
Leggings and a top from Sainsburys for £10
2 tops from Dorothy Perkins for £10
and finally some Easter presents for the girls (2 Niece's and cousin) £10

I'm exhausted now...

Hayes, Keston and The Fan-Tail Junction

Going through the back way of Hayes is quite picturesque - I love the quaint'essential little cottages that line the road through to Keston - and Keston itself is also beautiful - gated houses with Tudor effect and mansion type (I really want one) and the lovely little pond hidden in the metropolis of trees and gates.

Then you reach the Fan-Tail Junction - chaos ensues! Traffic going every which way and lines of cars everywhere, considering a few minutes away is the peace and quiet of a sleepy village life, sitting in a traffic jam half a mile down the road seems very strange - much like leaving a side road to enter a motorway.

Despite that, I still like Hayes - the railway there is typical of country style - especially once you leave Hayes and stop and the other stations - they are extremely typical of country stations.

Ladywell Train station 

Next stop: London Bridge (only 9 minutes from the hustle and bustle of Central London, yet still country like)

This is why i prefer Kent to Surrey - it's so much less chaotic (despite traffic being crazy in places) and the people are pleasant, civil and friendly. Kent is a cornucopia of lanes and quirky places, with something new to be discovered all the time.