Fear

My Goal to get away for a few days is over.

I cannot get away.

Who in their right mind would employ me? No one (I wouldn't even employ me!)

No one seems to understand how unwell i feel the majority of the time - maybe because i keep a brave face on, am always saying i am OK and try and be positive about everything - but that positivity is wearing thin on me and i am slipping into a depression again, and that is not a place i want to go again, i have been there in the past and almost killed myself because of it. The darkness is very, very real and creeps up on me sometimes.
When i do get a 'Good day', i go out.
Even before i go out, i plan things meticulously - well, obsessively. I plan the Journey using an online Planner - down to the second. I make sure i have my 'Comforters' with me and check my bag 3 or more times before i leave (Medication, Music, Bottle of water, Chewing Gum and a few boiled sweets).
But i do pay a price for it - i am not talking about money. I mean, after i have been out, i spend the next few days in bed because i feel so exhausted afterwards. I am not talking about being 'a little bit tired', i mean full blown mind and body exhaustion, where even lifting a cup of water is an effort. Fatigue. Emotional exhaustion.

I can't stand it when people think 'She has done something once, thats it now, she can do it again, no problem'. This statement couldn't be further from the truth. It could take me weeks or even month's to 'Psyche' up the courage to do it again or something similar. I have improved, but not enough to change my life. A shopping trip every now and then is not a cure, nor is it life changing. 2 years ago, you wouldn't have got me near a hospital, but now, i feel so physically ill all of the time that i have to go.
The only way i manage to go out is if i completely control the situation - and if i miss the bus from my planner, i panic and it ruins the day. I'm an obsessive - my Psychiatrist told me i have a form of OCD that has developed as a result of the Agoraphobia. I am a walking text book of Psychiatry. I have so many Diagnosis' in my notes it's unreal.
I don't like to tell people - they think i am crazy, mad or dangerous - but i'm not. I'm just me, my illnesses are unseen, therefore, people perceive me as a threat - But if people got to know the real me, they would see i am harmless, i have never hurt anyone but myself.
Back to the benefits side of things, this is part of my illness - a major part - Control.
By getting my own little bit of money, it's the only bit of control i have left. With an illness like Agoraphobia, the huge majority of the time - everything is out of your control, and that is a horrible feeling.
By putting me under constant assessment, i am in fear i will lose what little control i have left over my life. It's not exactly about the money, it's about the independence, again, Agoraphobia - you lose your freedom, it's like being trapped in your own private prison.
I don't know if this comes across very well - i am not exactly brilliant at explaining myself. But i feel like now i am under pressure, and it is unnecessary. I feel like i am being hounded, persued like a criminal.
The only thing i have done wrong is to become ill. I have fought and fought for years to get help from all walks of the medical profession, but unfortunately they have failed me in every way possible and because i tried for so long and so much, they now have me down as a Hypochondriac, so now i fear the Doctor's too - and that is all because of the way i have been 'treated' by them.
My medical notes can back that up, i recently got a copy of them - they are almost 200 A4 pages long - bear in mind, for a 26 year old, that is alot of medical history! That doesn't include Hospital visits either!
It's depressing when no one will believe you are ill, when people think you are making it all up as my Doctor's believed until i managed to get myself to the hospital and they discovered real health conditions.
Even my recent weight loss of over 6st (a third of my entire body weight) didn't concern the Doctor's...infact, i was offered Diet pills to speed up the weight loss - and they have never investigated the cause.
I have been treated appallingly by Doctor's. They have laughed at me, told me in a distant way i am making everything up, warned about various things and even refused referrals/treatments. It's always fighting a losing battle.
Now tell me, am i making everything up?
I know i am not a liar and i have the scars to prove it.